"Hegel was a self-satisfied obnoxious punk, but it took a hundred years before anybody was able to realize it."

"I have the potential to know french. It shames me, but it's true."

"One page of Plato, one [hit from the joint]. One page of Plato, one [hit from the joint]. Hey! These are both pretty good!"

"It's better to help a small child across the street than throw him in front of the car...God throws small children in front of cars."

"And who doesn't want to kill their neighbors and their cat?"

"For I the LORD am a fogizzle God."

"You might have those moments at 3 o'clock in the morning where you feel bad about it, but the rest of the time you can be drunk and forget about it."