"...And after they're done, we'll have a dogfight."

"What I want to see is a couple goin' at it in a public restroom, then, look up and say, 'Sweet Fancy Moses, WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?!"

"We know Will is lying, so that means none."

"But truth is objective, so I win!!"

"I thought one of my Cards of Power had disappeared there for a second."

"...I'm omniscient and benevolent."

"Bill, we are going to seriously curtail your freedom and place you in prison, where you will become the plaything of your cellmate, Bubba."

"Eventually, I'll just want to dive in the paper and swim in the coins like Scrooge McDuck."

"Let's start with crack cocaine. Some people desire it, so it's desirable. Let's get some! No."

"It's really nice to rock your baby to sleep...It really makes me feel what it would be like to be God...It's the beauty of being omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent."

"It's going to be a lot harder to enjoy your chocolate ripple ice cream when the bones of your leg are grating against one another."

"Weasels dealing in spades!"

"...Cats are evil. His [Nate's] day isn't complete 'til he's purreed a Persian."

"I just can't stand those sanctimonious 'Next Generation' folks, going on every week about the Prime Directive and breaking it every other week."

"I should have known it would only be the geek philosophy majors in here who would appreciate Star Trek."

"This is how I knew I could get a job in Philosophy: Look at the competition!"
~Keith, referring to a lecture given on-campus Thursday night.

"Anything west of the Mississippi was just cowboys and hooligans, so I didn't care."

"I'm just picking a good American brand, although that may be a contradiction of terms."

"[Crack cocaine] is that good. It's so wonderful."

-"Will, do you have some obsession that you need to deal with?"
-"Oh come on, that's only two [cheap whore] references!"
-"Yeah, in the LAST 15 MINUTES!"
~An exchange between Keith and myself

"Man, there are a lot of people in this scene...I wish my life were more like that!"
~Keith on porn

"[proctology] isn't the most glorious of medical professions, but if something down there gets broken, you're gettin' it fixed, one way or another."

"You know, that whole Judas thing came as a surprise."

"Was it said by a woman? Then it's wrong!"

"You gotta' off-road in your SUV and run over that little hermit shack."

"Despite all the German philosophy covering it up, it's remarkably easy."

"Kevin goes to jail as a drug-trafficker to elementary school children."

"I might as well live for booze and crack now."