Greetings, my friends. For those of you not in the know, Keith Wyma's wife gave birth to a baby boy last Wednesday, a strapping young lad named Colin. This webmaster sends his best wishes to the Wyma family and sincerely prays that their family will continue to grow in love. That being said, let the Wyma-isms flow!

"Never attempt to argue with a woman who is giving birth...And forget about trying to make her laugh!"

"Those contractions are kinda' fun. 'Whoa, here comes a big one!'"

"Eric, go rape your neighbor."

"There's nothing like the God of the Bible to mess up the God of theology."

"I suspect if one of you pooped on me within the first fifteen minutes of our acquaintance, I wouldn't enjoy hanging out with you nearly as much."

Howdy, folks. Today, Keith's wife went into labor, which means that soon there will be yet another bouncing baby Wyma in the world. In honor of this special occasion, I have decided to spare Keith the mockery that is normally associated with this site. To this end, there will be no installments of Life of Wyma until next Wednesday, to give him some time to recover his wits and sanity.

"You can learn life's lessons or be an object lesson."

"Mosquito bites are to poison ivy what a pinprick is to having your arms sawed off with a chainsaw."

"Sitcoms aren't filled with old crotchety guys like Jerry Sittser."

"I'm not exactly sure how you do puppetry with a penis, but these guys are."

"Unbeknownst to Dave, Chad has sprinkled the sundae, not with butterscotch, but ecstasy."

"During the High Middle Ages, everybody really admired Aristotle. Then they met him...and it was like, 'Holy Crap!'"

"Was it written in this century? Then it's WRONG!"

"Look, folks! No needle tracks on my arms anymore!"

"Can't get to the NAMBLA site. Can't get to the Satanist site. What is this educational institution coming to?"

"Coping with the crisis situation that is House Wyma."

"You might find yourself saying, 'It looks bipedal. It might be an osterich or something.'" - Keith on what God's work-in-progress statue entitled "Keith Wyma" would look like.

"By golly, that Pope's a heretic and if anybody follows him, they're goin' to hell."

"God says 'PSYCH!!'"

"Bill Pullman the president...Now that's a scary thought."

"Three Mile Island was a picnic compared to this [my son's meltdown]"

"Blue moons, Wyma's wrong, it happens."

"Maybe it's time to disconnect the telephone line and make the most of the evening."

"Never force a politician to choose between his constituency and his job."

And a bonus classic just for good measure:

"If you want to carve out your brain and join the new age movement..." 11/28/2001

And now, a little bit of classic Wyma from days of old (courtesy of Dave Zemke):

"scientists would be philosophers if they were smarter!" 4/23/2000

You know its a fine sport if you can smoke while doing it." 4/25/2000

"Oooh! A point of wonder...lets memorize this!" 4/30/2001

"Jesus is spawning...The last temptaion of christ" 5/2/2001

"You're your own god, YOU'RE the frickin' BIG G here folks. " 11/28/2000

"Heaven's Gate? Thank you for removing yourself from the breeding stock!" 2/11/2002

"Of course murder is wrong for YOU... now, please lean to the left a little so I can shoot you behind the ear!" 2/22/2002

"My subjective truth is that everyone should die...thats why I'm a stockholder in Cheetos!"2/22/2002

"Its time for romance, lets get butt naked and screw!!!!" 3/4/2002

"God doesn't just like little sorority girl noses..." 3/18/02

More to come later today...

"Doesn't everybody like the smell of gasoline?...Ohh, man I gotta' go fill up again!"

"[Peter Johnson] is really skilled at scaling walls and moving silently and breaking into jewelry boxes."

"It was as if somebody took a weasel, hopped it up on crystal meth, and stuffed it into a toddler costume. That was my son."

"If you're thinking about getting married, seek counselling."