"You can learn life's lessons or be an object lesson."

"Mosquito bites are to poison ivy what a pinprick is to having your arms sawed off with a chainsaw."

"Sitcoms aren't filled with old crotchety guys like Jerry Sittser."

"I'm not exactly sure how you do puppetry with a penis, but these guys are."

"Unbeknownst to Dave, Chad has sprinkled the sundae, not with butterscotch, but ecstasy."

"During the High Middle Ages, everybody really admired Aristotle. Then they met him...and it was like, 'Holy Crap!'"

"Was it written in this century? Then it's WRONG!"

"Look, folks! No needle tracks on my arms anymore!"

"Can't get to the NAMBLA site. Can't get to the Satanist site. What is this educational institution coming to?"

"Coping with the crisis situation that is House Wyma."

"You might find yourself saying, 'It looks bipedal. It might be an osterich or something.'" - Keith on what God's work-in-progress statue entitled "Keith Wyma" would look like.

"By golly, that Pope's a heretic and if anybody follows him, they're goin' to hell."

"God says 'PSYCH!!'"

"Bill Pullman the president...Now that's a scary thought."